You would think that being a RS President would have certain perks like more charity, a stronger sense of the Spirit, the ability to talk to people and know exactly what to say and how to say it...but just the opposite is true for me. I used to be a good listener and a great friend. My highschool friends told me that I should become a therapist because I always said the right things to make them feel better and fix all their problems. Somewhere along the way I lost that gift and I don't know quite how to get it back. I seem to say all the WRONG things now and make the problems WORSE!! My patriarchal blessing says that I have been given the gift of Charity but apparently I don't know how to use it properly. I get annoyed when certain people call me needing something because it's not an act of Charity for them anymore but an act of enabling them. I feel that this is one of those rare times when I'm deep down in the depths of despair and I can't seem to pull myself up. I know I'll be able to in the end but it's seeming pretty bleak right now. I used to be an awesome mom who did things with her kids, had potty training down like no other and disciplining my kids was easy and effective. Since I've become the president my family life seems to be falling apart as well. Well, just my relationship with my kids I guess. I can't seem to get control of the situation anymore. I feel like I am in a constant state of PMS with no end in sight and I hate that! I used to be a happy person and a caring person now I offend everyone around me and I don't want to be around anyone. I wish I had a rubber band gun and could just ding all the people that annoy me...which is pretty much everyone at this point! My husband, of course is excluded from all of this. He is so wonderful and so supportive. My kids are great too. They are trying to figure all of this out as well and I know that it has been hard on them. It's not them, it's me.
Saturday was the auxillary training that the Church does and it was awesome! It boosted up my spirits and gave me the strength to go on and continue to serve the Lord. I know that my family has been blessed beyond words because I am in this calling right now. I know the Lord has specific things he needs me to do I'm just trying to figure out how to do it all. I'm still waiting for Angel Moroni or someone to come to me and tell me exactly what to do and how to do it...but I know that's not going to happen. I've been hurt by things that people have said or done to me but I can easily shake those off when I put my priorities back in line. It's the things that I say or do or even think about others that I can't quite shake off. I think I'll just create a little hole in my house that I crawl in and live in and only come out for the Sabbath. I'll bring my family in there too. That way I won't say stupid things or hurt loved ones around me.
But this is more Satan's plan right? If I hide from my family and friends then I'm also hiding from the ones that the Lord needs me to help. So I guess that won't work either.
Oh well. I know that as soon as I'm released I'll have that lightbulb of understanding flicker on. But until then I'll just have to be like Nephi and go and do the Lord's will not knowing what he has in store for me or what his plan really is. So, sorry if I offend you along the way...I really don't mean to. I don't think my brain is really mine at this point. It's stuffed full with things I can't share because of confidentiality and other people's problems and scriptures and the still small voice of the Spirit trying to guide me through all this muck and confusion.
Goodbye, randomness. Please don't come back. Just float out there in space... I feel better already! :)
